我是谁 x3

Dear TOP,

What do you do when you're angry at people and things around you, but then you realize you're the most frustrated/disappointed with yourself?

They say you instinctively curb any attempts to cause yourself harm. Do you think running into the wall will help?

Why am I such an idiot...? -__- In everything I do, to boot.

Maybe I'll write up on everything later. Maybe. But for now... time to go drown. In the shower.

Your incredibly frustrated and annoyed (but not yet anywhere near the point of suicide HAHA) writer who needs to... be a better person. -_-

From Yesterday

Woaaaah. So I totally just reread the most recent post that I posted. That... was quite emo and upsetting. HAHAO_o... I really must be bipolar or something, because I don't feel that way anymore. -____- Well I mean, I guess there's still that similar sense of regret, but it doesn't make me emo. Hehe.

Sorry TOP, you must really tire of my rapidly changing emotions. :D

Buttttt, it looks like it's back to the "what happens happens" me again! I think that's a relief. :D

There is one thing that bugs me though.

"Oh I was nearby, so I was only gonna give you your souvenir."

"Just kidding... I didn't get you anything anyway."

Why would he say that? I know it shouldn't bug me, but it does. Grrrr.

I kind of wish he would just decide how he wants to treat me; this swapping between the cold "I don't really wanna talk to you" attitude and the "we're kinda normal!" attitude is really starting to drive me insane...

Although after a couple of days I must admit it doesn't bug me as much anymore. HAHA Man I really need to learn to retain my emotions. -______-

In other news! I watched Despicable Me and Toy Story 3 yesterday! DM was like.. the funniest thing ever (this is a lie, but it made me laugh a LOOOOOT :D)!! I STILL don't understand why no one laughed at the whole "Lehman brothers" joke, but it's ok, cause I thought it was funny. :D

Toy Story 3 was really good... even if I don't like the Toy Story franchise as much as I do other Disney movies. It was... really nostalgic, especially because Andy was going off to college. It really just makes you realize how much you leave behind as you grow up.

But! It also shows that there are times when you can go back to being the playful child you once were-- times when you can open up your imagination and revisit all the fun you had in the past.

That's the aspect of life that makes it so great, I guess! :D

Dear TOP,

Ugh. I just realized that I have work tomorrow. T____T Oh. Also, The Last Airbender is a TERRIBLE MOVIE. GAAAAAH. It took the rewatching the entire series for me to recover from it... T___T

But yes. I miss them both a huuuge amount. But like KH says, "We'll always be together so long as we remember."

....Well, something cheesy like that.

I finished the game yesterday. T____T I love that series... WEEP WEEP WEEP AXELLL ROXAS!! SO SAD. ): ): ):

Your writer, who gets totally too emotional about EVERYTHING. Haha...

A Beautiful Lie

Hello again, TOP! I've come back again to rant! And this time I am armed with an emo/angry music playlist! Life is good. Although that kind of defies the purpose of emo music, but I digress.

So... I have a question for you! And me, I guess. Ok this question is really more for me, but whatever.

Why is it that whenever I think I forgot something that was bothering me, or that I'm over that particular thing... it always comes back? Every single time!

I mean really... it first went away, then it came back winter break, then it went away, then it sorta/not really came back spring break, then it went away for sure... and now it's back! In full force.

This probably reflects my nature of being wishy-washy. And indecisive. What terrible traits...):

Aha! A pattern! It comes back whenever I come home!

And therein lies the issue.

Home... Cerritos, Whitney. It's filled with the stupid memories of those stupid times in senior year. Stupid stupid GAH. It's graduation's fault, I know it. Sighs.

Also. Random, but I miss high school! I miss times when I didn't have to get up at 6 am, drive for like... an hour to work-- when I didn't have to think so much! And when things were fun!

When things haven't changed so much...

I keep telling myself that I'm supposed to be the other end of this bizarre emotional see-saw: uncaring and already having let it all go. It goes "not forgive nor forget", then it goes "forgive but not forget", then it's me, "forgive and forget". It's "I still care a lot", then it's "It bothers me a lot from time to time", then it's me, "HAHA LOSERS I DON'T GIVE A SHIT." Word for word, obviously.

But I do care. The random desires and thoughts I have now prove that... I guess I was lying to myself all this time, huh? Or maybe it only comes back when I come home and when I see them, because I honestly didn't give a shit back at MIT. Hahaha Aaahh... the pros of going to school 3000 miles away...

I don't get it. A month ago, I knew that it wasn't going to be the same. I knew it and I didn't CARE. I was of the mentality that "it was fun while it lasted, but now it's gone... who cares!" I believed it... and now...

NOW it's "it could be the same again! There's a chance! They've been acting differently, things are going back to normal! :D"

Yeah... that was a bunch of bullshit wasn't it? Well.. not bullshit, but I definitely built my hopes too high and dropped whatever defenses I had too far, cause now that pillar of optimism is crumbling, and I'm falling again. All that stupid hurt is back, and I'm plummeting doooooooown...

But! Argues the still optimistic side of my brain. But you're talking with them again! And it seems like they care! Not all is lost!

Ahh, argues my logical side. But has anything really changed? No. There's been moments when I thought it has, but the next day everything just goes back to it's merry old self. Is it going to change? No. There's never gonna be any time. And I don't think anyone cares enough to try. Everyone's too stubborn to do anything. And I've read too much into everything.. in fact I probably shouldn't tell anything I ponder to Christine or Wendy... this has always affected them more than me, and if I build up their hopes while I build up my own... Well. When it all comes crashing down it won't be very pretty, will it? It'll be like a repeat of winter break, and that was most certainly NOT FUN. -_____-

Whoops. That argument there kinda failed. HAHA:D

Tch. Some weight I am. I can't even manage to not care properly. )<>

Haha so against my better judgement I reread the grad cards I got last year. I remember how happy I was when I read those last year. It's been exactly a year since I've read them, and... well. This song is perfect? Hahahaha "It's a beautiful lie to believe in... it's time to forget about the past. It's time to wash away what happened last."

Guh that transition to lyrics was so fail. -______- But jeez I love 30 seconds to mars! HEHEHEHE

But yeah. It was a beautiful lie. Bloody lie made me so happy... and now that bloody lie is tearing me apart.

It's kind of sad though, for everything to be lost in a lie. For all of it to be a waste, for everything that happened to just disappear.

I know I'm not without fault. I have equal share in the blame for what happened (if not more, depending on what actually happened to make everything fall apart? I... still don't actually know what happened, to be completely honest. HAHA). I guess I made just one too many mistakes. But is it too much to hope for that mistake to be forgiven? To have it all fall back together like it did the first time?

Apparently. Apparently it is.

HAHA TOP look at me... This isn't my role! This emo blogging about this subject... this isn't supposed to be me... I'm not supposed to care. Grr.

But you know... I know I'm going to be ok eventually. I'm going to be going back to MIT at the end of this summer... I'm probably never going to see either of them again. One's moving up north, and neither are going to Whitney anymore. There's no reason to meet up again. And once I get back to MIT, it's all going to slip away like it did the first time. And I'll be ok.

Kind of a pity, isn' t it? That I can so easily just get up and walk away? That an entire year and that friendship that was supposed to last forever ends like this? That I can just let it go...

Except.. Christine will never be able to forget, I think. It's been tearing her apart for so long.. it's been a year and she's still fucking emo and insecure. And it bothers Wendy too... Even though she and I didn't really talk about it that much before I got home, apparently they did. A lot. And it sucks so much that I can't do anything to fix that. My best attempts at being unawkward were foiled... I can't think of what to do. There's nothing I can really do if no one cooperates with me! Grumbles.

I need to follow Barney's advice. Except I'm not very awesome, so I don't really know how that will work....

"Do they hate me?"

No. I've never hated either of you. None of us did.

In fact, I might even go as far as to say I fucking miss you.

But I guess it's too late for that. Sometimes I really wish ctrl+z existed in real life.

Oh. Give me ctrl+f while you're at it.

Dear TOP,

I dislike this sudden surge of emo emotion from me. Frowns.<>

But I do admit I like the emo music. I think I'll keep that. :D

Your writer, who has become an incredibly wishy-washy emo kid.

突然累了

Hellooooooo TOP! Your lovely writer is back! Forgive me for abandoning you like that... I almost not really forgot about you. Not really. But that's ok. I'm back, and that's all that matters! :D

Why'd I hiatus? Cause anyone can read these thoughts.. that was a mistake hahah... Why am I back? Because I need to rant. Because there are things on my mind that I KNOW people are really sick of listening to, and I just need to get it off my chest so that I can do these damned psets so I can watch Ironman2 for free tomorrow! :D Yay! So I will proceed to waste the precious time of my life to write on this blog. Because that makes complete sense. Oh TOP... you live up to your name.

Soooo. Players of the game. Girl. Boy. Classic story mumbojumbo blahblahblah. Girl likes boy, boy no likey girl, but girl and boy are super close friends (or... so she thinks. haha...)!

Ok writing that just made me feel retarded. -___- So, TOP, to catch you up on the past... I don't really know how long of my life, there's this boy that I've been ah... interested in. Did some stupid things, made some stupid choices (the entire story is far too long HAHA) and all in all I told him and he found out. Awkward, right?

Nope. It's still amazing. Everything's still the same... we're still great friends, and he tells me everything. And that's the way I like it.

Except there's this little nagging at the back of my head that I SWEAR is determined to make me miserable for the rest of my life. Or maybe I'm just extremely hormonal. One day (actually this may be one second... I'm not too sure) I'm perfectly fine and the next I'm shedding tears that shouldn't be shed at some obscure time at night... and NO I'm not continuously PMSing. )<

It's just... this bugs me so much. And it really shouldn't... I'll be sitting here working on something then suddenly BANG it'll hit me and my heart will sink just a little bit and then it'll be on my mind for the rest of the night.

AND THEN apparently I'm terrible at masking my feelings because then he realizes something is wrong and then everything continues to spiral down down down until it explodes. And then it resets itself and starts all over again. Stupid emotions.

So it's weird.. when today we were talking about girls and things like that... I wasn't sad. I mean.. there was that disappointing tug on my heart, but there was no sadness. Which is kind of weird cause considering what happened last weekend... well, let's just say it wasn't a pretty sight. And then! I even when as far as to tell him when a certain girl was downstairs so he could go talk with her today! I'm so proud of myself except now I question what kind of girl I am. ....Question mark???

I want to say I'm moving on. I WANT to move on. I love him so much.... but I know for sure that that love is the same love I have for all those chicks back home (that I miss so muchT____T)... He's one of my best friends, and I want to be there for him whenever he needs me... Unfortunately these feelings are not helping. I mean... sure. I'm attracted to him. I like him, whatever. But the more I think about it, the weirder a relationship seems. It doesn't feel right. What we have now... this flirty casual heyyyy you're my friend I can totally be myself around you and do anything and you'll be there for me anytime.. This feels right. This is what I want. So, for that reason, they need to go away. Or find a new target. That works too... I need to meet a hot guy. Preferably Asian. Sighs. Why are all the Asian hot dudes ALWAYS MISSING DAMMIT.

The only issue is, the last time I said I was perfectly fine, some tiny, not thought out action tore down all my defenses and everything I had been telling myself in the blink of an eye. I hope that's not going to happen again, because I'm sick of this stupid emotional rollercoaster. It's like the time we rode the silver bullet 7 times in a row.

....Except that was wicked fun and I wanted to go on more times except I was afraid my head would explode. Harharhar...

But yes. I want off. This is it! It's gotta be done. It's for the best. It's for my fucking SANITY! ...what's left of it anyway.

Also... if this is what unrequited feelings feel like... I'm so so so sorry. No wonder it was so emo for you. ): It really sucks, doesn't it?

I guess this is just desserts, after all. Hahaha

Dear TOP,

Why am I such a terrible person? This idiocy.. needs to stop. Incidentally, IT'S ALMOST TIME TO GO HOME YAY!

Also... wow iTunes is really good at giving me songs with good titles for blogposts. HAHAH :D Good job, iTunes! I approve.

Your decidedly less-than-happy writer who really needs to just move on.

Barriers

Dear TOP,

I'm shivering even though I'm not cold.

I'm crying for what seems like no reason.

Why is that?

I'm going to the dentist tomorrow.

If I ask nicely, can I get Novocaine in the part of me that controls emotions? Because I don't want to feel whatever this is anymore.

Yes, cheesy, I know. But still...

It still hurts.

Your uncharacteristically depressed blogger,
[redacted!]

What Is This Feeling?

It's not loathing... well not all of it, anyway.

I just have to say, in relation to my last post (which was a very, very long time ago...), that I really, really despise American Airlines. I took AA back from MIT, and we were supposed to take off at 5pm. When I got there, however, I found out that the flight was delayed till 5:45. A 45 minute delay... not too bad, I can deal with that. What I am NOT ok with was the fact that we didn't go anywhere until 7pm!!! I mean... really.... a two hour flight? Victoria's flight was at 7:30 and she showed up at the airport before we even boarded!!!! I was so sadddd... but Google provided Logan with free internet, a fact that I am extremely happy with, because otherwise I would have drowned in boredom. Thank you, Google.

The most amusing thing? The delay was once again caused by a plane flying in from London. Deja vu? Yes.... but in the most terrible of manners. )<

Alright, ranting about incompetent airlines is finally finished. (: Moving on...

It's finally winter break! The first semester of college is over! (Only seven more left...) I have to say.... I think I really like it. College, I mean. Well, aside from the killer academics and the slightly-too-cold weather, MIT is freaking awesome! The people are so nice and talented... I don't think I've ever seen so many amazing people congregated in one place... It's amazing and wonderful and everything I really could have asked for.

One thing's for sure, however: "An education at MIT's like drinking from a firehose."

Man... it's a really big change from academics at Whitney.. Sure, I mean, Whitney was harder than most high schools... but, for example, I studied more for my first physics midterm at MIT than I had all my physics tests at Whitney... and I still failed. -____- It's quite the ego-deflator, let me tell you that! At the very least, I passed all my classes!!! So happy about that! Well actually I don't know about my HASS class yet... But that's just sad if I fail my humanities class after passing everything else... -____-...So hopefully I passed. (: That's the good news. hehehe

So right now I'm in this interesting limbo between ridiculously happy and really really sad... Passing my classes made my day!! Visiting Whitney again and seeing everyone again was really fun(: (Although I have to admit I don't know how to act around him anymore... but that can be a story saved for sometime else... hahaha) But then at the same time... I dunno. It was a really big disappointment.

It's been bothering us for a really long time, and I don't really know how to feel about it anymore. I honestly thought I was apathetic and only angry because WC were angry.. But then they told me of the success story when they visited, and then I actually felt hope! Maybe my little talk actually did something useful?! But then when he sort of failed today I felt really really sad... This shouldn't bother me that much.

Should I have said bye today when he walked away? Are we just overreacting? I don't know. I just know that it really shouldn't hurt this much. I shouldn't care so much. Isn't it all "pointless" anyway?

There's something wrong with me because I think I feel like crying.

Stupid stupid blahhh.... Damn you for making me feel this way...

And the other one... isn't happening. NO. I REFUSE. I am not going to miss you at all this winter break. )< In fact, I'm not gonna think about it at all.

Ha. Take that.

Dear TOP,

Teach me how not to care about things I don't want to care about. It hurts less that way.

Your very happy about passing and being home but waaayyy more depressed about other things than she should be,

[redacted] hehehhehe

Crush[ed]

I have never wished more to be rich and have a private jet-- rich enough that I could easily spend $700 dollars without a single thought, or rich enough not to have stupid problems with stupid air crafts.

I really really hate disappointment. This was actually something I was really looking forward to, too.

Damn you, American Airlines. T___T