突然累了

Hellooooooo TOP! Your lovely writer is back! Forgive me for abandoning you like that... I almost not really forgot about you. Not really. But that's ok. I'm back, and that's all that matters! :D

Why'd I hiatus? Cause anyone can read these thoughts.. that was a mistake hahah... Why am I back? Because I need to rant. Because there are things on my mind that I KNOW people are really sick of listening to, and I just need to get it off my chest so that I can do these damned psets so I can watch Ironman2 for free tomorrow! :D Yay! So I will proceed to waste the precious time of my life to write on this blog. Because that makes complete sense. Oh TOP... you live up to your name.

Soooo. Players of the game. Girl. Boy. Classic story mumbojumbo blahblahblah. Girl likes boy, boy no likey girl, but girl and boy are super close friends (or... so she thinks. haha...)!

Ok writing that just made me feel retarded. -___- So, TOP, to catch you up on the past... I don't really know how long of my life, there's this boy that I've been ah... interested in. Did some stupid things, made some stupid choices (the entire story is far too long HAHA) and all in all I told him and he found out. Awkward, right?

Nope. It's still amazing. Everything's still the same... we're still great friends, and he tells me everything. And that's the way I like it.

Except there's this little nagging at the back of my head that I SWEAR is determined to make me miserable for the rest of my life. Or maybe I'm just extremely hormonal. One day (actually this may be one second... I'm not too sure) I'm perfectly fine and the next I'm shedding tears that shouldn't be shed at some obscure time at night... and NO I'm not continuously PMSing. )<

It's just... this bugs me so much. And it really shouldn't... I'll be sitting here working on something then suddenly BANG it'll hit me and my heart will sink just a little bit and then it'll be on my mind for the rest of the night.

AND THEN apparently I'm terrible at masking my feelings because then he realizes something is wrong and then everything continues to spiral down down down until it explodes. And then it resets itself and starts all over again. Stupid emotions.

So it's weird.. when today we were talking about girls and things like that... I wasn't sad. I mean.. there was that disappointing tug on my heart, but there was no sadness. Which is kind of weird cause considering what happened last weekend... well, let's just say it wasn't a pretty sight. And then! I even when as far as to tell him when a certain girl was downstairs so he could go talk with her today! I'm so proud of myself except now I question what kind of girl I am. ....Question mark???

I want to say I'm moving on. I WANT to move on. I love him so much.... but I know for sure that that love is the same love I have for all those chicks back home (that I miss so muchT____T)... He's one of my best friends, and I want to be there for him whenever he needs me... Unfortunately these feelings are not helping. I mean... sure. I'm attracted to him. I like him, whatever. But the more I think about it, the weirder a relationship seems. It doesn't feel right. What we have now... this flirty casual heyyyy you're my friend I can totally be myself around you and do anything and you'll be there for me anytime.. This feels right. This is what I want. So, for that reason, they need to go away. Or find a new target. That works too... I need to meet a hot guy. Preferably Asian. Sighs. Why are all the Asian hot dudes ALWAYS MISSING DAMMIT.

The only issue is, the last time I said I was perfectly fine, some tiny, not thought out action tore down all my defenses and everything I had been telling myself in the blink of an eye. I hope that's not going to happen again, because I'm sick of this stupid emotional rollercoaster. It's like the time we rode the silver bullet 7 times in a row.

....Except that was wicked fun and I wanted to go on more times except I was afraid my head would explode. Harharhar...

But yes. I want off. This is it! It's gotta be done. It's for the best. It's for my fucking SANITY! ...what's left of it anyway.

Also... if this is what unrequited feelings feel like... I'm so so so sorry. No wonder it was so emo for you. ): It really sucks, doesn't it?

I guess this is just desserts, after all. Hahaha

Dear TOP,

Why am I such a terrible person? This idiocy.. needs to stop. Incidentally, IT'S ALMOST TIME TO GO HOME YAY!

Also... wow iTunes is really good at giving me songs with good titles for blogposts. HAHAH :D Good job, iTunes! I approve.

Your decidedly less-than-happy writer who really needs to just move on.