So... I have a question for you! And me, I guess. Ok this question is really more for me, but whatever.
Why is it that whenever I think I forgot something that was bothering me, or that I'm over that particular thing... it always comes back? Every single time!
I mean really... it first went away, then it came back winter break, then it went away, then it sorta/not really came back spring break, then it went away for sure... and now it's back! In full force.
This probably reflects my nature of being wishy-washy. And indecisive. What terrible traits...):
Aha! A pattern! It comes back whenever I come home!
And therein lies the issue.
Home... Cerritos, Whitney. It's filled with the stupid memories of those stupid times in senior year. Stupid stupid GAH. It's graduation's fault, I know it. Sighs.
Also. Random, but I miss high school! I miss times when I didn't have to get up at 6 am, drive for like... an hour to work-- when I didn't have to think so much! And when things were fun!
When things haven't changed so much...
I keep telling myself that I'm supposed to be the other end of this bizarre emotional see-saw: uncaring and already having let it all go. It goes "not forgive nor forget", then it goes "forgive but not forget", then it's me, "forgive and forget". It's "I still care a lot", then it's "It bothers me a lot from time to time", then it's me, "HAHA LOSERS I DON'T GIVE A SHIT." Word for word, obviously.
But I do care. The random desires and thoughts I have now prove that... I guess I was lying to myself all this time, huh? Or maybe it only comes back when I come home and when I see them, because I honestly didn't give a shit back at MIT. Hahaha Aaahh... the pros of going to school 3000 miles away...
I don't get it. A month ago, I knew that it wasn't going to be the same. I knew it and I didn't CARE. I was of the mentality that "it was fun while it lasted, but now it's gone... who cares!" I believed it... and now...
NOW it's "it could be the same again! There's a chance! They've been acting differently, things are going back to normal! :D"
Yeah... that was a bunch of bullshit wasn't it? Well.. not bullshit, but I definitely built my hopes too high and dropped whatever defenses I had too far, cause now that pillar of optimism is crumbling, and I'm falling again. All that stupid hurt is back, and I'm plummeting doooooooown...
But! Argues the still optimistic side of my brain. But you're talking with them again! And it seems like they care! Not all is lost!
Ahh, argues my logical side. But has anything really changed? No. There's been moments when I thought it has, but the next day everything just goes back to it's merry old self. Is it going to change? No. There's never gonna be any time. And I don't think anyone cares enough to try. Everyone's too stubborn to do anything. And I've read too much into everything.. in fact I probably shouldn't tell anything I ponder to Christine or Wendy... this has always affected them more than me, and if I build up their hopes while I build up my own... Well. When it all comes crashing down it won't be very pretty, will it? It'll be like a repeat of winter break, and that was most certainly NOT FUN. -_____-
Whoops. That argument there kinda failed. HAHA:D
Tch. Some weight I am. I can't even manage to not care properly. )<>
Haha so against my better judgement I reread the grad cards I got last year. I remember how happy I was when I read those last year. It's been exactly a year since I've read them, and... well. This song is perfect? Hahahaha "It's a beautiful lie to believe in... it's time to forget about the past. It's time to wash away what happened last."
Guh that transition to lyrics was so fail. -______- But jeez I love 30 seconds to mars! HEHEHEHE
But yeah. It was a beautiful lie. Bloody lie made me so happy... and now that bloody lie is tearing me apart.
It's kind of sad though, for everything to be lost in a lie. For all of it to be a waste, for everything that happened to just disappear.
I know I'm not without fault. I have equal share in the blame for what happened (if not more, depending on what actually happened to make everything fall apart? I... still don't actually know what happened, to be completely honest. HAHA). I guess I made just one too many mistakes. But is it too much to hope for that mistake to be forgiven? To have it all fall back together like it did the first time?
Apparently. Apparently it is.
HAHA TOP look at me... This isn't my role! This emo blogging about this subject... this isn't supposed to be me... I'm not supposed to care. Grr.
But you know... I know I'm going to be ok eventually. I'm going to be going back to MIT at the end of this summer... I'm probably never going to see either of them again. One's moving up north, and neither are going to Whitney anymore. There's no reason to meet up again. And once I get back to MIT, it's all going to slip away like it did the first time. And I'll be ok.
Kind of a pity, isn' t it? That I can so easily just get up and walk away? That an entire year and that friendship that was supposed to last forever ends like this? That I can just let it go...
Except.. Christine will never be able to forget, I think. It's been tearing her apart for so long.. it's been a year and she's still fucking emo and insecure. And it bothers Wendy too... Even though she and I didn't really talk about it that much before I got home, apparently they did. A lot. And it sucks so much that I can't do anything to fix that. My best attempts at being unawkward were foiled... I can't think of what to do. There's nothing I can really do if no one cooperates with me! Grumbles.
I need to follow Barney's advice. Except I'm not very awesome, so I don't really know how that will work....
"Do they hate me?"
No. I've never hated either of you. None of us did.
In fact, I might even go as far as to say I fucking miss you.
But I guess it's too late for that. Sometimes I really wish ctrl+z existed in real life.
Oh. Give me ctrl+f while you're at it.
Dear TOP,
I dislike this sudden surge of emo emotion from me. Frowns.<>
But I do admit I like the emo music. I think I'll keep that. :D
Your writer, who has become an incredibly wishy-washy emo kid.
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