All the small things

So as I'm sure I've said before, the past few days, J has been out of nation and hasn't had any stable form of internet. And jeez, it's only been like... 4 days now, but... it's really difficult. People say that long distance is hard; when you're in an LDR, you don't get the little touches and the physical things you get from an in-person relationship. They say cause of that, (most) LDRs are destined to fail.

While this is true, I think lots of people don't give verbal communication enough credit (and by this, I mean anything using words... texting, emails, letters, what have you). Nowadays, what with such advanced technology, it's easy to take communication for granted. You can get a reply instantly from anyone you want to talk to no matter where they are. Unless, of course, they don't have any means of communication.

Then all of a sudden, you're left with this... dead end. If you think of something funny to say, or just wanna check with them really quickly to see how they are, you can't. The weirdest part, for me, at least, is that there was no way to let him know that I was thinking about him. I couldn't quickly text "gnight" like I normally did, or send him a playful little text about cute burrito guy (HEHEHE). The morbid side of me didn't even know if he had gotten to his destination safely (I tried to not think about this one, though HAHA >_>).

So I resorted to sending him short (...ok maybe not so short) emails every day just letting him know how my day went. Goofy stories, little drawings (if my damned tabby would work properly), just a couple (hundred lolol-_-) words obviously written by me (because according to Caronee I have a good voice lolol) to let him know that yes, I was still thinking about him, and that he was still important to me. And god this sounds so melodramatic for just 3 days without contact -__-... It just felt really dumb because I knew I wasn't gonna get a reply anytime soon, so it was kind of like I was rambling on and on to no one (kinda like this blog, actually, but this is funXD).

So then, today, when I woke up to 5 emails from him... well. I was just really happy. It was just a bunch of words; there were no pictures, no gestures and no body language. But somehow, just receiving the couple hundred of words and because of them, knowing that he was ok and thinking about me... it made me feel so much happier. (I was grinning like a fool for awhile bahaha)

Yes, being apart is hard. Not having the physical aspect of the relationship (any relationship! Not just bf/gf) is hard too. But honestly, as long as you still have a form of communication, use it. Tell 'em whatever you want to say anytime you want to say it. Don't take it for granted, cause once the choice is gone... Man, you suddenly realize how big the world is.

I think I might even go after le old-fashioned letter writing, now that I have his address. He said he sent me mail... and I've always wanted an international pen pal :DDDDDDDD!!!!

Anyway, that was all sappy goopey and disgusting romantic shit... TIME FOR SOME FUN STUFF.

So, a week ago or so, I woke up randomly at 5am and couldn't figure out why.. so I just rolled over and went back to sleep. Then later that day, J told me he had woken up at 8am his time... What a coincidence! And then last night, I had a dream about him where he snuck up and gave me a surprise hug... and it just so happened that it was the same night he was writing emails to me! Can this be?! We must be psychic-ly linked!!!! XDDDD I actually remember reading about this somewhere. Something about if you're close enough to someone, you two will start feeling/thinking the same things? Donno if I think it's true though. Lololol

Also, yesterday, cute burrito guy got offended that I wasn't getting mexican food for lunch, so long story short, I wound up promising him that I would get something there today. Anyway, cute burrito guy asked me my name today! And then he told me he loved it! Oh stop it, you. You'll make me blush. XDDD CD tells me he's flirting with me. I think he's just being sweet :D Or... at least I hope he's not flirting. I don't know how to deal with flirting people.

Anyway, that's it for my lunch break! Back to work! :D

Futures

I highly dislike talking about the future. It really makes me feel unprepared and entirely irresponsible, and then I get this really uncomfortable feeling in my gut/chest cavity.

But... today was 2012's commencement ceremony. The day started out with me spazzing insanely cause I figured out I could stream it live on the internets (sooooo I was a little late for work XDDDDD), but when I got to Intel, it didn't work. D: Thankfully, CD goes to work later than I do, so he and I spent awhile flailing about seniors that we knew graduating online.

Well, it was a super bitter sweet feeling. I had a lot of close friends graduating today, and I was happy for them, but I was also super sad to know that when I get back to school in the fall, they won't be there to for me to jump and attack with affection... and that makes me sad. :(

It also means... 2013 is graduating next year... that is so scary! D: There are so many things I need to do before graduation.... well, first of all, passing my classes would be nice, but then there's the GRE and grad school apps  (not to mention getting accepted) and the thesis oh my god I don't even know. D: I just feel like in high school, I knew what I was supposed to do and when I was supposed to do it by, and all I had to do was sit back and wait... Now, I don't even know what's expected of me, deadlines are lost on me, and I'm so completely lost in regards to what I want to do for the rest of my life... It's not a happy feeling. >_>

Also... Someone super special to me graduated today, and it kinda finally sunk in. I used to tell myself (back when I was naive and eeeeverything was simple) that I wouldn't do long distance and that I wouldn't let my happiness depend on some boy. Now... well. I can still be happy without the boy, but I've roped myself into long distance. Past me would be appalled to know that it's what I want now. XD I reread some of our convos from the beginning of our relationship, and MAN has it changed. He's leaving the country tomorrow for vacation, and it'll be three weeks of essentially no contact. We'll see how much withdrawal I go into by the end... XD To be honest, I don't want to think about the future of this. For now, all I know is that I will set the personal goal of seeing him at least once a month. The rest... well. Hopefully it will just fall into place.

On a much brighter note, I'm really enjoying my internship this summer! It's slow now, but I'm actually kind of worried about once things ramp up... I spent a ridiculously long time talking with my supervisor the other day about the future project (and all sorts of things in life haha). It's really cool... I never thought I would use things I learned in the EE aspects of my courses, but here, there's things from 6.02 and 6.003 and even a little of 6.01 all over the place... and I actually understand it now thanks to those classes! It's a bizarre feeling.. I finally feel like a proper 6-2! (Only sort of though. XD)

My team is also super cool. They're... well, kinda quirky. I'm waaay younger than all of them, but I'm still able to have hour-long conversations with them about life. It's super fun. XD I've been invited to pick up piano again and jam with them after work sometimes... maybe I'll take up that offer! Hopefully my piano isn't irrevocably rusty... >_>

Moral of the story? There isn't one, really. I'm still kinda scared shitless thinking about the future, but I guess all we can do is take everything in stride. Life passes by so quickly, it's dumb to not enjoy what's going on now.

All I can say is, after we're all graduated, I will probably still put my brass rat on the wrong way... oops. Old habits die hard. XD

Challenge accepted! (aka norcal, day... 6?)

First and foremost, before I write anything else, my ego demands that I note my compliment-incompatibility. Story behind this revelation? Well. Today during lunch, since nothing else seemed appetizing, I went and got my food from the same Mexican station I went to yesterday. The same cute guy who was working there looked at me, smiled, and was like "Hey! Nice to see you again! You came yesterday and got... a burrito, right? See, I remembered! I remember all the beautiful ones." -cue smile- By that time he was done with my food, so I kinda laughed, then took it and ran away. Good response! Except inside I pretty much melted into a giggling schoolgirl....

My inability to take compliments is probably an issue. I'm so embarrassing. XD

Anyway! Enough with my ego (what a way to return to blogging...). As anyone can tell, I've pretty much abandoned this blog until now... but then why am I back? Two primary reasons! One, I need something to do during my lunch breaks at work and my free time at home, and two! Caronee has promised to write an entry every time she sees me post something, and I decided to accept the challenge!

So here I am, with all my rambling thoughts relatively intact, wondering what I should begin word-vomiting about. I supposed I'll just start with Norcal!

So this is the 6th day I've been here, and the 3rd day of my internship! Nothing much has happened, to be completely honest. My life is pretty boring. My parents were with me over the weekend and we set up the apartment, but come Monday I was all alone. My apartment is really big... but really sad.. I was talking to another new hire, and we both got super excited because we both only had a mattress in our apartments. HAHA He said it kind of made us seem like serial killers... Ah well. At least I have a table and a desk lamp and cooking ware too.

As for the internship... well, it's only the 3rd day, but already people have been throwing information at me: acronyms I don't understand, vocab I don't understand, vocab that i vaguely recognize and should probably understand better, names, faces... it's all been thrown! It sounds like I have a gigantic project in front of me... and that I'll be utilizing what meager EE skills I have. I hope I remember things from 6.003 still, cause there seems to be a lot of signal processing going on. >_> I also need to learn a couple of programming languages on the fly... Hooray!

I kinda wish I was at Santa Clara.... I really miss the friends I made during my internship there last year. Now that we're all on the same work network, we kinda chat from time to time, but still! I miss those hot chocolate breaks. :(

It's kinda lonely here since I have no friends. T__T Also, if I wind up living alone when I actually start out in the real world, I am getting some form of a dog, because it is sad just living alone.

However!!!! In three weeks or so J will be coming back from overseas, and he said he's gonna drive up and spend time with me right after he gets back! I'm so excited!! Course, before then I have to deal with three weeks of essentially no contact at all... but I guess what with work and studying for the GRE (I hate life.), I should have more than enough things to keep me busy. I miss him a ridiculously large amount, and sometimes I wish I could just curl up next to him in bed and cuddle the day away. :( It also completely sucks when you're long distance and PMSing... Seriously, fuck hormones. I am definitely not this whiny/clingy normally...

On a completely different note, I am so excited to watch the new Korra episode this Saturday. It's really sad how excited I am. I'm also pretty excited for Young Justice! Saturday has become cartoon day all over again! Except now I'm 20 with a job, and not in elementary school. Hahaha....

Whoops. There goes lunch break. Here's your diary entry, Caronee. XD Back to work I gooooooo!

Nothing good ever happens after 2am

What I just did today:

-typoed "blog" as "blag". I just did it again, too.

-proceeded to roll around in bed laughing hysterically at the bottom of my lungs.

This does not bode well for my sanity. Nothing good ever happens after 2 am. Hehe

Also I just read some of my old posts.

Wow, I was melodramatic. I think I still am... I should really dig up my old xanga and reread that. cackles.

Wow! It's been awhile. A very long while.

Well, Caroline wanted me to update my blog, so I did this for her sake. At the moment, however, I don't particularly feel like writing anything... I'm in more of a curl-up-and-die mood. Goodness. I've never had cramps that went on for so long before, and since I normally don't get any pain at all, I am woefully unprepared to deal with this...

Well. It's time for hot soup and sappy/disney movies to appease my uterus.

Good thing I'm home alone where I can't chew anyone's head off. Aha.

我是谁 x3

Dear TOP,

What do you do when you're angry at people and things around you, but then you realize you're the most frustrated/disappointed with yourself?

They say you instinctively curb any attempts to cause yourself harm. Do you think running into the wall will help?

Why am I such an idiot...? -__- In everything I do, to boot.

Maybe I'll write up on everything later. Maybe. But for now... time to go drown. In the shower.

Your incredibly frustrated and annoyed (but not yet anywhere near the point of suicide HAHA) writer who needs to... be a better person. -_-

From Yesterday

Woaaaah. So I totally just reread the most recent post that I posted. That... was quite emo and upsetting. HAHAO_o... I really must be bipolar or something, because I don't feel that way anymore. -____- Well I mean, I guess there's still that similar sense of regret, but it doesn't make me emo. Hehe.

Sorry TOP, you must really tire of my rapidly changing emotions. :D

Buttttt, it looks like it's back to the "what happens happens" me again! I think that's a relief. :D

There is one thing that bugs me though.

"Oh I was nearby, so I was only gonna give you your souvenir."

"Just kidding... I didn't get you anything anyway."

Why would he say that? I know it shouldn't bug me, but it does. Grrrr.

I kind of wish he would just decide how he wants to treat me; this swapping between the cold "I don't really wanna talk to you" attitude and the "we're kinda normal!" attitude is really starting to drive me insane...

Although after a couple of days I must admit it doesn't bug me as much anymore. HAHA Man I really need to learn to retain my emotions. -______-

In other news! I watched Despicable Me and Toy Story 3 yesterday! DM was like.. the funniest thing ever (this is a lie, but it made me laugh a LOOOOOT :D)!! I STILL don't understand why no one laughed at the whole "Lehman brothers" joke, but it's ok, cause I thought it was funny. :D

Toy Story 3 was really good... even if I don't like the Toy Story franchise as much as I do other Disney movies. It was... really nostalgic, especially because Andy was going off to college. It really just makes you realize how much you leave behind as you grow up.

But! It also shows that there are times when you can go back to being the playful child you once were-- times when you can open up your imagination and revisit all the fun you had in the past.

That's the aspect of life that makes it so great, I guess! :D

Dear TOP,

Ugh. I just realized that I have work tomorrow. T____T Oh. Also, The Last Airbender is a TERRIBLE MOVIE. GAAAAAH. It took the rewatching the entire series for me to recover from it... T___T

But yes. I miss them both a huuuge amount. But like KH says, "We'll always be together so long as we remember."

....Well, something cheesy like that.

I finished the game yesterday. T____T I love that series... WEEP WEEP WEEP AXELLL ROXAS!! SO SAD. ): ): ):

Your writer, who gets totally too emotional about EVERYTHING. Haha...