Futures

I highly dislike talking about the future. It really makes me feel unprepared and entirely irresponsible, and then I get this really uncomfortable feeling in my gut/chest cavity.

But... today was 2012's commencement ceremony. The day started out with me spazzing insanely cause I figured out I could stream it live on the internets (sooooo I was a little late for work XDDDDD), but when I got to Intel, it didn't work. D: Thankfully, CD goes to work later than I do, so he and I spent awhile flailing about seniors that we knew graduating online.

Well, it was a super bitter sweet feeling. I had a lot of close friends graduating today, and I was happy for them, but I was also super sad to know that when I get back to school in the fall, they won't be there to for me to jump and attack with affection... and that makes me sad. :(

It also means... 2013 is graduating next year... that is so scary! D: There are so many things I need to do before graduation.... well, first of all, passing my classes would be nice, but then there's the GRE and grad school apps  (not to mention getting accepted) and the thesis oh my god I don't even know. D: I just feel like in high school, I knew what I was supposed to do and when I was supposed to do it by, and all I had to do was sit back and wait... Now, I don't even know what's expected of me, deadlines are lost on me, and I'm so completely lost in regards to what I want to do for the rest of my life... It's not a happy feeling. >_>

Also... Someone super special to me graduated today, and it kinda finally sunk in. I used to tell myself (back when I was naive and eeeeverything was simple) that I wouldn't do long distance and that I wouldn't let my happiness depend on some boy. Now... well. I can still be happy without the boy, but I've roped myself into long distance. Past me would be appalled to know that it's what I want now. XD I reread some of our convos from the beginning of our relationship, and MAN has it changed. He's leaving the country tomorrow for vacation, and it'll be three weeks of essentially no contact. We'll see how much withdrawal I go into by the end... XD To be honest, I don't want to think about the future of this. For now, all I know is that I will set the personal goal of seeing him at least once a month. The rest... well. Hopefully it will just fall into place.

On a much brighter note, I'm really enjoying my internship this summer! It's slow now, but I'm actually kind of worried about once things ramp up... I spent a ridiculously long time talking with my supervisor the other day about the future project (and all sorts of things in life haha). It's really cool... I never thought I would use things I learned in the EE aspects of my courses, but here, there's things from 6.02 and 6.003 and even a little of 6.01 all over the place... and I actually understand it now thanks to those classes! It's a bizarre feeling.. I finally feel like a proper 6-2! (Only sort of though. XD)

My team is also super cool. They're... well, kinda quirky. I'm waaay younger than all of them, but I'm still able to have hour-long conversations with them about life. It's super fun. XD I've been invited to pick up piano again and jam with them after work sometimes... maybe I'll take up that offer! Hopefully my piano isn't irrevocably rusty... >_>

Moral of the story? There isn't one, really. I'm still kinda scared shitless thinking about the future, but I guess all we can do is take everything in stride. Life passes by so quickly, it's dumb to not enjoy what's going on now.

All I can say is, after we're all graduated, I will probably still put my brass rat on the wrong way... oops. Old habits die hard. XD

Challenge accepted! (aka norcal, day... 6?)

First and foremost, before I write anything else, my ego demands that I note my compliment-incompatibility. Story behind this revelation? Well. Today during lunch, since nothing else seemed appetizing, I went and got my food from the same Mexican station I went to yesterday. The same cute guy who was working there looked at me, smiled, and was like "Hey! Nice to see you again! You came yesterday and got... a burrito, right? See, I remembered! I remember all the beautiful ones." -cue smile- By that time he was done with my food, so I kinda laughed, then took it and ran away. Good response! Except inside I pretty much melted into a giggling schoolgirl....

My inability to take compliments is probably an issue. I'm so embarrassing. XD

Anyway! Enough with my ego (what a way to return to blogging...). As anyone can tell, I've pretty much abandoned this blog until now... but then why am I back? Two primary reasons! One, I need something to do during my lunch breaks at work and my free time at home, and two! Caronee has promised to write an entry every time she sees me post something, and I decided to accept the challenge!

So here I am, with all my rambling thoughts relatively intact, wondering what I should begin word-vomiting about. I supposed I'll just start with Norcal!

So this is the 6th day I've been here, and the 3rd day of my internship! Nothing much has happened, to be completely honest. My life is pretty boring. My parents were with me over the weekend and we set up the apartment, but come Monday I was all alone. My apartment is really big... but really sad.. I was talking to another new hire, and we both got super excited because we both only had a mattress in our apartments. HAHA He said it kind of made us seem like serial killers... Ah well. At least I have a table and a desk lamp and cooking ware too.

As for the internship... well, it's only the 3rd day, but already people have been throwing information at me: acronyms I don't understand, vocab I don't understand, vocab that i vaguely recognize and should probably understand better, names, faces... it's all been thrown! It sounds like I have a gigantic project in front of me... and that I'll be utilizing what meager EE skills I have. I hope I remember things from 6.003 still, cause there seems to be a lot of signal processing going on. >_> I also need to learn a couple of programming languages on the fly... Hooray!

I kinda wish I was at Santa Clara.... I really miss the friends I made during my internship there last year. Now that we're all on the same work network, we kinda chat from time to time, but still! I miss those hot chocolate breaks. :(

It's kinda lonely here since I have no friends. T__T Also, if I wind up living alone when I actually start out in the real world, I am getting some form of a dog, because it is sad just living alone.

However!!!! In three weeks or so J will be coming back from overseas, and he said he's gonna drive up and spend time with me right after he gets back! I'm so excited!! Course, before then I have to deal with three weeks of essentially no contact at all... but I guess what with work and studying for the GRE (I hate life.), I should have more than enough things to keep me busy. I miss him a ridiculously large amount, and sometimes I wish I could just curl up next to him in bed and cuddle the day away. :( It also completely sucks when you're long distance and PMSing... Seriously, fuck hormones. I am definitely not this whiny/clingy normally...

On a completely different note, I am so excited to watch the new Korra episode this Saturday. It's really sad how excited I am. I'm also pretty excited for Young Justice! Saturday has become cartoon day all over again! Except now I'm 20 with a job, and not in elementary school. Hahaha....

Whoops. There goes lunch break. Here's your diary entry, Caronee. XD Back to work I gooooooo!

Nothing good ever happens after 2am

What I just did today:

-typoed "blog" as "blag". I just did it again, too.

-proceeded to roll around in bed laughing hysterically at the bottom of my lungs.

This does not bode well for my sanity. Nothing good ever happens after 2 am. Hehe

Also I just read some of my old posts.

Wow, I was melodramatic. I think I still am... I should really dig up my old xanga and reread that. cackles.

Wow! It's been awhile. A very long while.

Well, Caroline wanted me to update my blog, so I did this for her sake. At the moment, however, I don't particularly feel like writing anything... I'm in more of a curl-up-and-die mood. Goodness. I've never had cramps that went on for so long before, and since I normally don't get any pain at all, I am woefully unprepared to deal with this...

Well. It's time for hot soup and sappy/disney movies to appease my uterus.

Good thing I'm home alone where I can't chew anyone's head off. Aha.

我是谁 x3

Dear TOP,

What do you do when you're angry at people and things around you, but then you realize you're the most frustrated/disappointed with yourself?

They say you instinctively curb any attempts to cause yourself harm. Do you think running into the wall will help?

Why am I such an idiot...? -__- In everything I do, to boot.

Maybe I'll write up on everything later. Maybe. But for now... time to go drown. In the shower.

Your incredibly frustrated and annoyed (but not yet anywhere near the point of suicide HAHA) writer who needs to... be a better person. -_-

From Yesterday

Woaaaah. So I totally just reread the most recent post that I posted. That... was quite emo and upsetting. HAHAO_o... I really must be bipolar or something, because I don't feel that way anymore. -____- Well I mean, I guess there's still that similar sense of regret, but it doesn't make me emo. Hehe.

Sorry TOP, you must really tire of my rapidly changing emotions. :D

Buttttt, it looks like it's back to the "what happens happens" me again! I think that's a relief. :D

There is one thing that bugs me though.

"Oh I was nearby, so I was only gonna give you your souvenir."

"Just kidding... I didn't get you anything anyway."

Why would he say that? I know it shouldn't bug me, but it does. Grrrr.

I kind of wish he would just decide how he wants to treat me; this swapping between the cold "I don't really wanna talk to you" attitude and the "we're kinda normal!" attitude is really starting to drive me insane...

Although after a couple of days I must admit it doesn't bug me as much anymore. HAHA Man I really need to learn to retain my emotions. -______-

In other news! I watched Despicable Me and Toy Story 3 yesterday! DM was like.. the funniest thing ever (this is a lie, but it made me laugh a LOOOOOT :D)!! I STILL don't understand why no one laughed at the whole "Lehman brothers" joke, but it's ok, cause I thought it was funny. :D

Toy Story 3 was really good... even if I don't like the Toy Story franchise as much as I do other Disney movies. It was... really nostalgic, especially because Andy was going off to college. It really just makes you realize how much you leave behind as you grow up.

But! It also shows that there are times when you can go back to being the playful child you once were-- times when you can open up your imagination and revisit all the fun you had in the past.

That's the aspect of life that makes it so great, I guess! :D

Dear TOP,

Ugh. I just realized that I have work tomorrow. T____T Oh. Also, The Last Airbender is a TERRIBLE MOVIE. GAAAAAH. It took the rewatching the entire series for me to recover from it... T___T

But yes. I miss them both a huuuge amount. But like KH says, "We'll always be together so long as we remember."

....Well, something cheesy like that.

I finished the game yesterday. T____T I love that series... WEEP WEEP WEEP AXELLL ROXAS!! SO SAD. ): ): ):

Your writer, who gets totally too emotional about EVERYTHING. Haha...

A Beautiful Lie

Hello again, TOP! I've come back again to rant! And this time I am armed with an emo/angry music playlist! Life is good. Although that kind of defies the purpose of emo music, but I digress.

So... I have a question for you! And me, I guess. Ok this question is really more for me, but whatever.

Why is it that whenever I think I forgot something that was bothering me, or that I'm over that particular thing... it always comes back? Every single time!

I mean really... it first went away, then it came back winter break, then it went away, then it sorta/not really came back spring break, then it went away for sure... and now it's back! In full force.

This probably reflects my nature of being wishy-washy. And indecisive. What terrible traits...):

Aha! A pattern! It comes back whenever I come home!

And therein lies the issue.

Home... Cerritos, Whitney. It's filled with the stupid memories of those stupid times in senior year. Stupid stupid GAH. It's graduation's fault, I know it. Sighs.

Also. Random, but I miss high school! I miss times when I didn't have to get up at 6 am, drive for like... an hour to work-- when I didn't have to think so much! And when things were fun!

When things haven't changed so much...

I keep telling myself that I'm supposed to be the other end of this bizarre emotional see-saw: uncaring and already having let it all go. It goes "not forgive nor forget", then it goes "forgive but not forget", then it's me, "forgive and forget". It's "I still care a lot", then it's "It bothers me a lot from time to time", then it's me, "HAHA LOSERS I DON'T GIVE A SHIT." Word for word, obviously.

But I do care. The random desires and thoughts I have now prove that... I guess I was lying to myself all this time, huh? Or maybe it only comes back when I come home and when I see them, because I honestly didn't give a shit back at MIT. Hahaha Aaahh... the pros of going to school 3000 miles away...

I don't get it. A month ago, I knew that it wasn't going to be the same. I knew it and I didn't CARE. I was of the mentality that "it was fun while it lasted, but now it's gone... who cares!" I believed it... and now...

NOW it's "it could be the same again! There's a chance! They've been acting differently, things are going back to normal! :D"

Yeah... that was a bunch of bullshit wasn't it? Well.. not bullshit, but I definitely built my hopes too high and dropped whatever defenses I had too far, cause now that pillar of optimism is crumbling, and I'm falling again. All that stupid hurt is back, and I'm plummeting doooooooown...

But! Argues the still optimistic side of my brain. But you're talking with them again! And it seems like they care! Not all is lost!

Ahh, argues my logical side. But has anything really changed? No. There's been moments when I thought it has, but the next day everything just goes back to it's merry old self. Is it going to change? No. There's never gonna be any time. And I don't think anyone cares enough to try. Everyone's too stubborn to do anything. And I've read too much into everything.. in fact I probably shouldn't tell anything I ponder to Christine or Wendy... this has always affected them more than me, and if I build up their hopes while I build up my own... Well. When it all comes crashing down it won't be very pretty, will it? It'll be like a repeat of winter break, and that was most certainly NOT FUN. -_____-

Whoops. That argument there kinda failed. HAHA:D

Tch. Some weight I am. I can't even manage to not care properly. )<>

Haha so against my better judgement I reread the grad cards I got last year. I remember how happy I was when I read those last year. It's been exactly a year since I've read them, and... well. This song is perfect? Hahahaha "It's a beautiful lie to believe in... it's time to forget about the past. It's time to wash away what happened last."

Guh that transition to lyrics was so fail. -______- But jeez I love 30 seconds to mars! HEHEHEHE

But yeah. It was a beautiful lie. Bloody lie made me so happy... and now that bloody lie is tearing me apart.

It's kind of sad though, for everything to be lost in a lie. For all of it to be a waste, for everything that happened to just disappear.

I know I'm not without fault. I have equal share in the blame for what happened (if not more, depending on what actually happened to make everything fall apart? I... still don't actually know what happened, to be completely honest. HAHA). I guess I made just one too many mistakes. But is it too much to hope for that mistake to be forgiven? To have it all fall back together like it did the first time?

Apparently. Apparently it is.

HAHA TOP look at me... This isn't my role! This emo blogging about this subject... this isn't supposed to be me... I'm not supposed to care. Grr.

But you know... I know I'm going to be ok eventually. I'm going to be going back to MIT at the end of this summer... I'm probably never going to see either of them again. One's moving up north, and neither are going to Whitney anymore. There's no reason to meet up again. And once I get back to MIT, it's all going to slip away like it did the first time. And I'll be ok.

Kind of a pity, isn' t it? That I can so easily just get up and walk away? That an entire year and that friendship that was supposed to last forever ends like this? That I can just let it go...

Except.. Christine will never be able to forget, I think. It's been tearing her apart for so long.. it's been a year and she's still fucking emo and insecure. And it bothers Wendy too... Even though she and I didn't really talk about it that much before I got home, apparently they did. A lot. And it sucks so much that I can't do anything to fix that. My best attempts at being unawkward were foiled... I can't think of what to do. There's nothing I can really do if no one cooperates with me! Grumbles.

I need to follow Barney's advice. Except I'm not very awesome, so I don't really know how that will work....

"Do they hate me?"

No. I've never hated either of you. None of us did.

In fact, I might even go as far as to say I fucking miss you.

But I guess it's too late for that. Sometimes I really wish ctrl+z existed in real life.

Oh. Give me ctrl+f while you're at it.

Dear TOP,

I dislike this sudden surge of emo emotion from me. Frowns.<>

But I do admit I like the emo music. I think I'll keep that. :D

Your writer, who has become an incredibly wishy-washy emo kid.